NATIONWIDE—Canada turns 149 years young this year and it's going to be a heck of a party – with one noticeable absence.
"Oh, England?" Canada says in a slightly uncomfortable tone, staring at the floor. "We feel pretty bad about not inviting it. There's definitely a lot of history between us. We've always felt like they're a part of us and we especially are a part of them, but I don't know…we kinda just wanted to keep things light this year and we feel like maybe England's head isn't in the best place right now?"
Canada is, of course, politely referring to England's recent breakup with Europe.
"It's never a great idea to go out and party right after a breakup," Canada explains. "No one needs England showing up totally hammered, shouting at Québec about how great the single life is and then sobbing uncontrollably. And you know by the end of the night they'll be trying to get into Australia's pants. Ugh. So awkward."
Canada's stance may seem a bit harsh, but the logic is sound.
"Listen, we couldn't invite England and Europe," Canada insists. "We had to choose. And the choice was obvious. Have you seen Spain on the dance floor? That butt alone is enough reason to drop England. And Holland! Come on! Like we're not going to invite Amsterdam so that England can come. Amsterdam is the #1 reason everyone here is having such a good time, if you know what we mean."
Canada says it hopes England has a nice relaxing night on the couch with some ice cream and John Hughes movies.
"We totally wish England well," Canada says. "But it's our birthday and no one wants to spend their birthday with their parents."