“Another day, another presidential tweetnado,” began Stephen Colbert. “And this one’s about the Russia investigation.”
Colbert then read Trump’s tweets aloud, including one in which he misspelled “smoking gun” as “smocking gun”.
“This isn’t even the worst of Trump’s tweets today. This is,” said Colbert, referring to a tweet in which Trump wrote: “Attorney General Jeff Sessions should stop this Rigged Witch Hunt right now, before it continues to stain our country any further.”
“Donald Trump is telling his attorney general to shut down the investigation of Donald Trump,” Colbert continued. “Rudy should tell him that just because he’s doing it in public doesn’t mean it’s not obstruction of justice. Public urination is still urination.”
The host went on: “Trump’s freaking out big time because it’s day two of the trial of former Trump campaign manager and man undecided over which ostrich to wear, Paul Manafort.”
A second trial, Colbert explained, will take place in Washington DC, with a focus on Manafort’s work for Ukraine and charges of conspiracy to defraud the US rather than his finances.
“There’s too much crime to pack into one trial, they had to split the crimes into two parts like a Harry Potter movie,” Colbert said. “It’s Paul Manafort and the Prisoner of Lewisburg Federal Penitentiary.”
“The president held a rally last night where he showed, unlike those coastal elites, he knows what everyday Americans are going through,” Bee said, showing footage of Trump, in Tampa, claiming Americans need to show their ID to buy groceries.
Bee joked: “He thinks they card you at the grocery store? It might clear things up if you know that the grocery store is south Florida’s top gentleman’s club.”
“But the real story from last night’s rally,” Bee continued, “is that it was apparently brought to you by the letter Q: adherents of the QAnon conspiracy theory were out in force.”
“Most politicians probably would’ve tried not to appear in the same frame with people who believe that Hillary Clinton is the mastermind of an elite pedophile ring with Tom Hanks and a pizza restaurant,” the host said, noting that QAnon believes in the existence of a deep state, that “all Democrats are pedophiles” and that there’s no such thing as climate change.
Bee then touched on Cody Wilson, a gun rights activist who’s pushed for more “ghost guns”, or untraceable firearms that can be made using 3D printer.
“Luckily, it is not yet legal to email someone a gun because a judge issued an emergency injunction against it,” Bee said. “But who knows how long that’ll hold? By next week people could be popping out ghost guns like Shrinky Dinks.”
On Wilson, Bee said: “I think we’re going to be hearing a lot more about this fella, specifically the headline ‘Idiot Shoots Own Dick Off in Bathtub’.”
Finally, Comedy Central’s Trevor Noah discussed allegations that the Republican congressman Jim Jordan turned a blind eye to systemic sexual abuse while coaching wrestling at Ohio State University.
“One of the most powerful positions in the US government is speaker of the house,” he began. “The speaker has full control over what the House votes on and they’re second in line to be president.”
As Paul Ryan’s time as speaker comes to end, Noah explained, Jim Jordan is “getting more attention than most” as a candidate to replace him.
“Even before Jordan announced his run for speaker, he was already in the news for trying to impeach deputy attorney general Rod Rosenstein,” Noah said, showing footage of a contentious exchange between Rosenstein and Jordan at a congressional hearing.
Let’s talk about Rep. Jim Jordan and his “locker room talk” excuse. pic.twitter.com/6uxC7vUR6t— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) August 2, 2018
“While Jordan tries to get rid of Rosenstein, he may need to watch his own back,” the host said. As an assistant wrestling coach at Ohio State, “we’re just now learning that one of his trademark moves may have been enabling sexual abuse”.
Over 100 alumni have accused former university doctor Richard Strauss of sexual misconduct and Jordan of knowing about the abuse but not reporting it.
“Turning a blind eye to rampant sexual abuse of the kids you’re supposed to be protecting: it doesn’t get more scumbag than that,” Noah said. “If these allegations are true, then Jim Jordan is basically Joe Paterno part two.”
Jordan’s defense, Noah said, “doesn’t seem very convincing”. In an interview on Fox News, the congressman said “conversations in a locker room are a lot different than allegations of abuse or reported abuse”, seeming to suggest he did nothing because the abuse was not reported through an official channel.
“So they basically told Jordan about the abuse and he didn’t think it counted because they were in a locker room?” Noah asked. “What is it with these guys and locker rooms? It feels like nothing you say matters in there. I’m going to start carrying a locker room around with me. Then I can say whatever I want.”