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Kim Kardashian’s strange obsession with death

Monday - 20/08/2018 21:29
MOST people don’t really know what it is Kim Kardashian does for a living anyway, but this week she’s expressed an interest in a bizarre new career.
Kim looks radiant as always.Source:Supplied
Kim looks radiant as always.Source:Supplied

LAST week on Keeping Up With The Kardashians Kim, Khloe and Kourtney were having communication issues. This week, not so much.

But expect things to be just as hilarious, and it all kicks off with some boozy banter.

“Chrissie is having her birthday party tonight and she’s so sober it’s driving her crazy!’” says Kim lounging by the pool.

“I feel for her,” says Khloe, pregnant and clearly gagging for a drink.

Of course, there’s always one party pooper.

“Sex is so much better sober,” chimes in Kourts.

Kimmy and Koko are shocked Kourts prefers to have sex sober.
Kimmy and Koko are shocked Kourts prefers to have sex sober.Source:Supplied

“No, it’s not,” Koko replies. “Sex is more fun when you’re drunk!”

Kim chuckles the type of chuckle to which only a true boozer can relate.

Let's be honest: only Kimmy K can look this good in grey!
Let's be honest: only Kimmy K can look this good in grey!Source:Supplied

The she decides to steer the convo elsewhere, while we’re still scratching our heads thinking, who the hell is Chrissie?

“So my friend just went to a funeral and said it had an open casket,” says Kim. “She was also saying how the person looked different.”

“That’s what you’re thinking about when someone passes?” asks Kourts.

“I know death is such a morbid topic, but I’m obsessed,” says Kim. “I just want to prepare myself for when the time comes!”

We feel a storyline coming on, and a helluva lot of vapid questions, starting with …

Koko bites her tongue!
Koko bites her tongue!Source:Supplied

“What do they do if someone has hair extension in,” wonders Kim.

“I’m sure they take them out,” says Kourt.

“No, they don’t,” says Koko, like she knows what she’s talking about.

“But what if they’re all taped in,” says Kim.

“Your hair gets disintegrated anyway,” says Koko.

All this talk of death is making Kourtney sad. Even her hair is forlorn.
All this talk of death is making Kourtney sad. Even her hair is forlorn.Source:Supplied

“I don’t want to talk about this,” says Kourts with a smile on her face. “It’s actually making me feel uncomfortable.”

Oh, Kourts when will you learn. You’re battling for screen time as it is. Fade out.

‘Wow, it really is that easy to dispose a body!’
‘Wow, it really is that easy to dispose a body!’Source:Supplied

Fade in. Khloe is aimlessly folding clothes in her cavernous walk-in wardrobe.

Kim is reading a manual on the dark arts of being a mortician.

“I’m just fascinated,” says Kim, flipping through its pages like it’s the September issue of Vogue.

“It’s so morbid,” says Koko.

“It’s about make up for dead people,” says Kim, stating the obvious.

Koko is shocked about Kim's new fascination with the dark arts.
Koko is shocked about Kim's new fascination with the dark arts.Source:Supplied

“I just saw how to sew up your skull in one of the chapters,” says Koko.

Kim understandably wants to take it a step further and meet with a mortician.

Why? The dead look is so hot right now. Don’t be so basic!

Koko and Kim hit the floor for a cheesy ball workout.
Koko and Kim hit the floor for a cheesy ball workout.Source:Supplied

But, first, time for a work out.

“You look amazing,” Kim says to Koko yawning. “How much weight have you gained?

“Eleven pounds,” Koko responds.

“That’s nothing,” says Kim. “At five months I [had already gained] 30.”

Well, Kimmy K, it turns out 11 pounds is a big deal and Khloe’s OBGYN agrees.

Poor Dr Aliabadi is praying for a little bub!
Poor Dr Aliabadi is praying for a little bub!Source:Supplied

“I don’t want you to gain more than eight pounds in 20 weeks,” says Dr Thais Aliabadi.

“Your partner is tall and big and I’m just worried if you gain too much weight you’re going to have a huge baby.”

This, of course, is code for C-section and something Koko desperately wants to avoid.

Despite doctors order, Mamma Kris thinks all this weight gain fuss is pure hogwash and

she’s gonna whip up an extra-buttery, extra-oily helping of sausages, peppers and pasta to prove it.

“I’m not having three pieces of bread,” says Koko, almost convincingly.

Yeah, you are, hon. And there’s plenty left for the dog, too.

‘I hope this fork is clean and hasn’t been in your mouth, Scott!’ #woof
‘I hope this fork is clean and hasn’t been in your mouth, Scott!’ #woofSource:Supplied

Straight off the fork, we might add. Mmm, deeee-licious.

Get those dishes done, Kris. Kimmy has plans for you.

Kris looks amazing for someone who has just stepped out of the shower.
Kris looks amazing for someone who has just stepped out of the shower.Source:Supplied

“What are you doing here? I just got out of the shower,” exclaims Kris, like she had no idea a scene was being set up.

“I’m going to do your make up,” Kim responds.

“Why?” asks Kris.

“Because I’m a mortician and I need practice!” says Kim.

What are you looking at? The perfectly made bed? Thought so.
What are you looking at? The perfectly made bed? Thought so.Source:Supplied

“What’s your favourite look these days,” Kim ask her faithful momager. “What would you like to go out in — like to the grave?”

“Perfect skin and a nude lip,” says Kris. “I learnt that from you!”

Kris looks pleased as punch. The cheque has cleared. Money’s in the bank!
Kris looks pleased as punch. The cheque has cleared. Money’s in the bank!Source:Supplied

Time to fatten Koko up again!

“It’s Krispy Kreme day to celebrate the pregnancy of Khloe Kardashian,” says Kris, pleased as punch.

“I can’t eat eight dozen doughnuts!” Khloe replies, almost convincingly.

She better be getting free doughnuts for the next 100 years for this shameless promotion.
She better be getting free doughnuts for the next 100 years for this shameless promotion.Source:Supplied

Kris hovers a box under Koko’s snout and beckons her to “just smell”.

“I feel a lot better knowing you’re going to have some Krispy Kremes to keep you company while I’m gone,” says Kris.

Gone? Gone where? To buy more Krispy Kremes? 

Kris is all over that doughnut like a fat kid on a Smartie.
Kris is all over that doughnut like a fat kid on a Smartie.Source:Supplied

Talk about blatant in-show advertising. And it worked. 
We almost started licking our TV screens, trying to get a taste of the sugary goodness, too.

Yes, hon. This is, like, a mortuary.
Yes, hon. This is, like, a mortuary.Source:Supplied

Meanwhile, Kimmy has just arrived at her local funeral home to get the ins and outs of what happens after you’ve seen the light.

“So this is, like, a mortuary?” Kim says to her make-up artist mate Mario. 
“I’ve been dying to know the tricks of the trade and, like, what concealer morticians use.”

Chances are it’s the same one you use, toots.

Kim and Mario can't wait to get busy!
Kim and Mario can't wait to get busy!Source:Supplied

“How do you embalm someone?” Kim asks the flame-haired mortician.

We’ll save you from the gory details, but you will learn all about embalming fluid and how to keep eyelids closed. And you never know when that will come in handy!

“But what if someone’s shot in the head,” quizzes Kimmy.

“It’s easier to fix than it sounds,” replies the mortician.

“If it’s just a single gunshot wound you just take filler or wax and then ‘cosmetise’ it.”

Shoosh, she's sleeping. No, really!
Shoosh, she's sleeping. No, really!Source:Supplied

Time for Kim to practice her make up skills … on a real live dead person who doesn’t break into giggles once.

She went out with perfectly manicured nails. What a legend.
She went out with perfectly manicured nails. What a legend.Source:Supplied

Not even when Kim looks at her nails and says, “We have the same colour on. It’s beautiful!”

Now that’s what we call method acting.

“Has anyone ever moved on the table?” Kim asks.

“No,” replies the mortician, looking at Kim like she’s insane.

Kris would've made a great stripper back in the day.
Kris would've made a great stripper back in the day.Source:Supplied

Back to poor old Khloe, who’s desperately trying to work off those Krispy Kremes.

“What are you doing? says Koko after Kris butts in on her stairmaster time.

“I don’t like your puss in my face,” she adds.

“What? I just had it lasered.” Kris responds.

On that note, we need a drink.

Keeping Up With The Kardashians’s encore screening airs at 7pm on Foxtel’s E!

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