LAST week on Keeping Up With The Kardashians Kim, Khloe and Kourtney were having communication issues. This week, not so much.
But expect things to be just as hilarious, and it all kicks off with some boozy banter.
“Chrissie is having her birthday party tonight and she’s so sober it’s driving her crazy!’” says Kim lounging by the pool.
“I feel for her,” says Khloe, pregnant and clearly gagging for a drink.
Of course, there’s always one party pooper.
“Sex is so much better sober,” chimes in Kourts.
“No, it’s not,” Koko replies. “Sex is more fun when you’re drunk!”
Kim chuckles the type of chuckle to which only a true boozer can relate.
The she decides to steer the convo elsewhere, while we’re still scratching our heads thinking, who the hell is Chrissie?
“So my friend just went to a funeral and said it had an open casket,” says Kim. “She was also saying how the person looked different.”
“That’s what you’re thinking about when someone passes?” asks Kourts.
“I know death is such a morbid topic, but I’m obsessed,” says Kim. “I just want to prepare myself for when the time comes!”
We feel a storyline coming on, and a helluva lot of vapid questions, starting with …
“What do they do if someone has hair extension in,” wonders Kim.
“I’m sure they take them out,” says Kourt.
“No, they don’t,” says Koko, like she knows what she’s talking about.
“But what if they’re all taped in,” says Kim.
“Your hair gets disintegrated anyway,” says Koko.
“I don’t want to talk about this,” says Kourts with a smile on her face. “It’s actually making me feel uncomfortable.”
Oh, Kourts when will you learn. You’re battling for screen time as it is. Fade out.
Fade in. Khloe is aimlessly folding clothes in her cavernous walk-in wardrobe.
Kim is reading a manual on the dark arts of being a mortician.
“I’m just fascinated,” says Kim, flipping through its pages like it’s the September issue of Vogue.
“It’s so morbid,” says Koko.
“It’s about make up for dead people,” says Kim, stating the obvious.
“I just saw how to sew up your skull in one of the chapters,” says Koko.
Kim understandably wants to take it a step further and meet with a mortician.
Why? The dead look is so hot right now. Don’t be so basic!
But, first, time for a work out.
“You look amazing,” Kim says to Koko yawning. “How much weight have you gained?
“Eleven pounds,” Koko responds.
“That’s nothing,” says Kim. “At five months I [had already gained] 30.”
Well, Kimmy K, it turns out 11 pounds is a big deal and Khloe’s OBGYN agrees.
“I don’t want you to gain more than eight pounds in 20 weeks,” says Dr Thais Aliabadi.
“Your partner is tall and big and I’m just worried if you gain too much weight you’re going to have a huge baby.”
This, of course, is code for C-section and something Koko desperately wants to avoid.
Despite doctors order, Mamma Kris thinks all this weight gain fuss is pure hogwash and
she’s gonna whip up an extra-buttery, extra-oily helping of sausages, peppers and pasta to prove it.
“I’m not having three pieces of bread,” says Koko, almost convincingly.
Yeah, you are, hon. And there’s plenty left for the dog, too.
Straight off the fork, we might add. Mmm, deeee-licious.
Get those dishes done, Kris. Kimmy has plans for you.
“What are you doing here? I just got out of the shower,” exclaims Kris, like she had no idea a scene was being set up.
“I’m going to do your make up,” Kim responds.
“Why?” asks Kris.
“Because I’m a mortician and I need practice!” says Kim.
“What’s your favourite look these days,” Kim ask her faithful momager. “What would you like to go out in — like to the grave?”
“Perfect skin and a nude lip,” says Kris. “I learnt that from you!”
Time to fatten Koko up again!
“It’s Krispy Kreme day to celebrate the pregnancy of Khloe Kardashian,” says Kris, pleased as punch.
“I can’t eat eight dozen doughnuts!” Khloe replies, almost convincingly.
Kris hovers a box under Koko’s snout and beckons her to “just smell”.
“I feel a lot better knowing you’re going to have some Krispy Kremes to keep you company while I’m gone,” says Kris.
Gone? Gone where? To buy more Krispy Kremes?
Talk about blatant in-show advertising. And it worked.
We almost started licking our TV screens, trying to get a taste of the sugary goodness, too.
Meanwhile, Kimmy has just arrived at her local funeral home to get the ins and outs of what happens after you’ve seen the light.
“So this is, like, a mortuary?” Kim says to her make-up artist mate Mario.
“I’ve been dying to know the tricks of the trade and, like, what concealer morticians use.”
Chances are it’s the same one you use, toots.
“How do you embalm someone?” Kim asks the flame-haired mortician.
We’ll save you from the gory details, but you will learn all about embalming fluid and how to keep eyelids closed. And you never know when that will come in handy!
“But what if someone’s shot in the head,” quizzes Kimmy.
“It’s easier to fix than it sounds,” replies the mortician.
“If it’s just a single gunshot wound you just take filler or wax and then ‘cosmetise’ it.”
Time for Kim to practice her make up skills … on a real live dead person who doesn’t break into giggles once.
Not even when Kim looks at her nails and says, “We have the same colour on. It’s beautiful!”
Now that’s what we call method acting.
“Has anyone ever moved on the table?” Kim asks.
“No,” replies the mortician, looking at Kim like she’s insane.
Back to poor old Khloe, who’s desperately trying to work off those Krispy Kremes.
“What are you doing? says Koko after Kris butts in on her stairmaster time.
“I don’t like your puss in my face,” she adds.
“What? I just had it lasered.” Kris responds.
On that note, we need a drink.
Keeping Up With The Kardashians’s encore screening airs at 7pm on Foxtel’s E!